Stuck on a Tropical Island
by anonmachine
Summary: Artemis marooned on a God forsaken island, forced to fend, feed and look after himself and an unconscious Butler. How does he cope with it all? Admirably, of course. Can he last until help arrives?
1. Marooned on Paradise

**Disclaimer**: I do not own _Artemis Fowl_, or any other recognizable character that may be found here. I also do not own _Lord of the Flies_, which is an extremely fantastic book which studies the psychological nature of being human.

**Author's Note**: I have a notorious reputation of almost never finishing my stories. Yes, I know this is a terrible fault but I must blame it on my lack of zeal to continue anything I have written, and yes, it is extremely irresponsible of me to do as such, but hey, it's me.

Recently, I have read _Lord of the Flies _which had a profound effect on me. And to my delight, one of my friends mentioned that Artemis Fowl, in his interview (_The Artemis Fowl Files_) said one of his favourite books was the _Lord of the Flies. _

* * *

The Artemis Fowl Files  
_Interview with Artemis Fowl II  
_**What is your favourite book?  
**My favourite book this week is _The Lord of the Flies _by William Golding. It is a fascinating psychological study of a group of boys stranded on an island. I can't help thinking that if I had been on that island, I would be running the place in a week.

* * *

Day 01 

Unbelievable.

Artemis rubbed the sore spot at the back of his head and rolled onto his stomach. Silently he cursed his earlier idea of visit the other fairy sites.

He pushed himself slowly to his feet, feeling the ground wriggle and slide beneath him like a slug frying in a pan. Disorientated, he made a grab at a green vine.

As his fingers clamp firmly on the slippery thing, his brain dimly informed him that the texture of this vine was odd and scaly. Alarm bells screamed, and Artemis gasped before he stumbled backwards, his arm getting tangled in the living green rope.

A low hiss sounded at his feet and he jumped backwards when he saw the red forked tongue dart out. The snake glared balefully at him, baring its fangs. Convinced it had gotten its point across, it slithered away into the foliage.

He glanced down at himself and calculated the damage to his clothing.

He sighed – another perfectly good suit ruined.

Absently, he rubbed his forehead, and pulled his finger away when he felt the sharp sting there. His fingers were covered in blood and here, he sighed again.

He dug around with his other hand in his pockets in search of his silk handkerchief, and not finding it, grunted in frustration. Grimacing, he rubbed the blood away on his pant leg.

He consoled himself; the Armani suit was ruined anyway, with all the mud and dead leaves sticking lovingly to it.

Sweat plastered his dark hair to his forehead and he shook of his jacket, feeling the shirt beneath clinging to his back. He folded the jacket over his arm and glanced upwards at the sun.

_It was past noon when we flew over here, so if that is west, then… then I am facing north-east. _

He felt comforted a little, knowing which way he way facing. However, he had no idea how this little bit of information would help him.

Panic started to rise in his chest before he could suppress it.

' Butler!' he all but screamed.

Immediately, a flock of birds took flight and shrieked in terror, shrouding all possible sounds Butler might have made to tell him where he was.

' Butler!' Artemis was uncomfortable when he heard the desperation in his own voice.

But there was no reply.

Squashing his fear, he turned himself around and around, searching for high ground so he might determine if he really _was _stuck on an island.

Spotting what looked like a miniature mountain, Artemis resolutely walked towards it, keeping a wary eye out for other odd animals that may see him as a meal.

He pushed himself over a huge fallen log. Sweat was pouring down his face now like the Mekong river. His hands were green and his fingers stuck together because of the sap from the plants. Here and there, bold strokes of brown highlighted his palms.

A sudden rustle in the bushes beside him made his heart leap. The plant convulsed and shook startlingly, emitting frightful grunt and snorts.

Artemis distanced himself from this possessed bush hurriedly. With a high pitch shriek, the bush regurgitated a wild pig.

The sow studied him with little interest and bowed her massive head to root up something from the ground. Little brown and pink piglets nuzzled at her sides.

Artemis gagged at the putrid wild-animal smell. He shuddered and continued his hike.

The sun was relentless on this back and soon, Artemis started to consider removing his shirt. The heat was unbearable and throwing down his jacket, he impatiently unbuttoned his top and pulled it off. He tied the long sleeves around him at his waist and he bent down to roll up his slacks.

His arms were feeling itchy and tired; he tied the jacket around his waist too. The bulge was uncomfortable, but he felt that he would rather look un-presentable and have both hands free than to arrive at the top, sweating and drenched in sweat, scratched up, muddied in his once immaculate but now unrecognisable suit.

His leg wobbled unsteadily beneath him – he was unused to this much exercise.

The rich kid stumbled into a clearing and saw a vision of heaven – a clear pool of water.

He had not realised how thirsty he had become and was only now conscious of how his tongue felt like a swollen lump of cardboard in his mouth.

He stooped by the waters edge and dipped his fingers into the cool liquid. His lips were cracked and bleeding and the water stung slightly as it travelled down his parched throat into his empty stomach.

Finally, he lay panting on his back, his pale stomach exposed to the air. The water sloshed noisily in his insides when he moved to get into a more comfortable position.

He must have dozed off in his exhaustion, because when he awoke, if was a great deal darker than before and his skin was prickling with the rash of sunburn.

His stomach growl disconsolately.

Artemis rubbed the kink in his neck and glanced up at the top of the mountain. Its peak was not far away now, just a few more yards.

Carefully, he picked his way through the jagged teeth of rocks and climbed to the top. Immediately, he felt an immense rush of accomplishment. He had climb this stupid rock and reached its peak unaided!

His fist was pumped into the air in his enthusiasm before he could stop himself. The childish shout of victory was swallowed before it left his throat.

Embarrassed and a bit ashamed of his behaviour, he lowered is arm, feeling the rose tinge in his cheeks.

The sun was setting in the horizon, casting the sea and his surrounding in a brilliant shade of orange. He spun around, studying the coastline and confirmed his belief that he was indeed, marooned on a God forsaken island with no signs of civilisation.

Disappointment flooded him and the night breeze rubbed itself on his body, like an overly affectionate cat. Artemis shivered. It was not just the cold…

He spotted an odd rock that jutted above him, forming a sort of cave and shelter. He ignored the grumbling of his stomach and sardine-ed himself into the warm niche.

It soon grew dark and Artemis closed his eyes and forced himself to sleep.

He had disturbing dreams of caviar and peanut butter milkshakes…

* * *

_To be continued… _

Note: Artemis stay on this God forsaken island will only be for seven long days. See how he copes with having to fend, feed and look after himself until rescue arrives!


	2. God Forsaken Island

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any recognisable characters.

**Author's Note: **And here we are, on the second day of Artemis's adventure! I must thank everyone who reviewed, and I must also thank one of my friends who, at one of my past birthdays, got me a _Castaway Survivor's Guide. _Without this book, I doubt I would be able to write this fic and make it both entertaining and factually correct.

Thanks to everybody who have reviewed the first chapter. (Personal thanks later at the end of the chapter)

* * *

Day 02

Artemis crawled out of this cave, all the muscles in his lithe body screaming in protest.

His stomach politely informed him that he had nothing to eat since breakfast yesterday.

Hiking down the trail a little, he went back to his watering hole and rinsed his mouth. His lips curled in distaste when he felt the plague accumulated there.

He sat back on his heels, contemplating his situation when he spied some tasting looking leaves.

Artemis neared the plant and studied it without touching it.

_Non-hairy leaves or stems, no thorns or shiny leaves… meaning this plant has no irritants or toxic…_

He reached out and broke off a leaf.

_No milky sap…_

He sighed. It would be so much easier if Butler were here…

Artemis scrutinised the plant again, making sure that the plant is slimy, worm infested, or otherwise. He crushed the leaf with his fingers and sniffed gingerly at the pulp.

It didn't smell like bitter almonds or sweet peaches – a good sign.

Going against personal hygiene, he rubbed the squishy mash very lightly on the tender skin under his upper arm. When there was no discomfort or rash, he continued on with the edibility test.

So far so good, and now, Artemis, leaving fifteen second between each step for a reaction, placed a small portion of the stuff on his lips.

And a small portion in the corner of his mouth…

And a small portion on the tip of his tongue…

Chewed a small portion…

And finally, swallowed a small portion._1 _

Here, by protocol, he should neither eat nor drink anything for five hours, to see if the plant is indeed poisonous. If there is no reaction within this time, he is able to consider this plant safe for consumption.

The logical part of his brain agreed with this, who knew what adverse reactions he might have against this plant?

Too late; his hand, commanded by his stomach, unloaded a handful of leaves into his mouth. His jaws chewed automatically and he swallowed.

It tasted horrible; very… greenish.

Artemis scraped his nail over his tongue and washed his mouth out with water.

A childish thought bubbled in his head; _gross._

He spun around, startled. There, behind the boulders, was a dark… something, crouched, as if to spring on him.

His heart beating a hundred miles an hour, Artemis cried out in terror. Or squeaked in terror.

The wind blew harshly, whistling sharply through the cracks of the trees. The imposing figure rose to its feet, its shoulders hunched like a Neanderthal.

'Butler! Butler! Help!'

The demon behind the foliage swayed unsteadily, as if dancing to silent music. Then, to Artemis's astonishment, the dark figure defied all laws of gravity and levitated.

Artemis's firm, scientific, analysing and practical mind dissected this display in detachment.

'B…Butler…'

The thing in the bushes landed with a firm "thump" on its feet and stood, for a moment or two, before crumbling in a boneless heap to the ground.

An undulating moan rose from this misshapen mound, making the hairs on the boy's neck stand.

He turn and fled.

'Butler! Where the…' here, Artemis inserted some very interested combinations of explicit words he never would have used under any normal circumstances, but now, fear drove away all ingrained acts of decorum, 'are you?'

Artemis tripped on a protruding root, especially designed to throw people of balance and scraped both hands.

This jolt brought him back to reality and he had the decency to blush at the words he had just shouted at the top of his lungs.

A low moan drifted past the rocks to him, and Artemis trembled.

He found himself wishing feverishly that Butler was at his side, cradling the big, comforting, impressive and impressionable Sig Sauer in his giant hands.

The low moans started again and Artemis suddenly straighten up, blue eyes wide.

_It couldn't be!_

Artemis could have slapped himself. He didn't recognise the moans because… well, let's face it, not many people have heard Butler moan before!

He scrambled to his feet, his black suede shoes slipping on the loose stones.

'Butler!'

The sight before him was an odd one – Butler, entangled in the remained of his parachute harness, was only half conscious. One arm was dangling awkwardly at his side._ 2 _

The wind blew hard again, and Butler, who on his knees, was lifted clean off his feet. Apparently, when they both had bailed out of the doomed aircraft, Butler had drifted into the trees, whacked himself silly on the branches, broke an arm in the process of "landing" and has been drifting in and out of his hazy dream since yesterday afternoon.

The wind jerked the parachute, animating Butler's lifeless limbs like a master puppeteer.

Butler moaned again as his broken arm was jiggled about some more.

Artemis reached slowly into Butler's pocket, his fingers clamping onto the cool surface of a penknife.

He waited until the wind died down and his friend's body deposited onto the damp ground before he set to work, cutting Butler free from the web of lines.

Now, Butler was lying prostrate on the ground, and Artemis has a new dilemma – how was he going to help his bodyguard?

It was unfathomable that he carry him somewhere because let's face it, Butler is humongous, and one would need a forklift or something similar to move him.

A deep frown settled on the young protégée's forehead and Artemis set the cogs in his massive cranium into motion.

At the moment, Artemis has nothing but a cold, damp cave for a shelter, but it was yards away – virtually impossible to move an unresponsive man-mountain.

Artemis made a decision – if he couldn't bring Butler to a shelter, then he would bring a shelter to Butler!

Resolutely, he yanked away the shirt and jacket from around his waist and bundled them in a squashy pillow. This, he placed gingerly underneath Butler's head. Artemis was concerned when he felt the heat radiating from his employee's brow.

Artemis began to search Butler's pockets, pulling out weapon after weapon.

He made a mental list:  
1. Three shrike throwing knives  
2. Two stun grenades  
3. First Aid kit  
4. Sig Sauer with numerous unused magazines  
5. Some twisty wire  
6. A laser pen  
7. Sewing needle, thread and half-done embroidery of a sparrow? (Must question Butler later)  
8. Haiti lucky charm from Juliet  
9. Pricilla's Passion

Artemis sat down heavily on his bum when he came to the last item he pulled from one of Butler's hidden compartments.

He gawked openly at his friend, gaze shifting in disbelief from the cheap tacky romance novel in his hands to the mean man-mincing machine before him._3 _

_Butler reads this stuff?_

He flipped the book over and read the synopsis on the back:

_Pricilla Pennyhose, heiress to the Pennyhose family fortune has met the man of her dreams… or has she?_

_Macho Francis Devont, son of the infamous French womaniser, is everything Pricilla could hope for in a man – kind, devoted, dotting and loving. But soon, will rumours on the rise, Pricilla begins to doubt her fiancé's fidelity. _

_Will they both ride of into the sunset and live happily ever after? Or will Pricilla, haunted by this man's past, get nothing out of this deal but a broken heart?_

_Read to find out! This is the fantastic curtain closer for Pricilla's grand love adventure, which has so far span across eighteen marvellous novels._

Artemis blinked – he was unsure if he should laugh or cry.

Butler actually _enjoys _reading these types of novels? He flipped the book over and studied the front page. On it, a disproportional woman with assets which looked as if they far better suited some other kind of animal, sat in front of a man with long hair (_Macho Francis Devont, no doubt, _thought Artemis dryly) on a fat white horse. (Or a mutated pony)

The read the last bit again; _This is the fantastic curtain closer for Pricilla's grand love adventure, which has so far span across eighteen marvellous novels._

He was speechless. _Have Butler read the rest of the seventeen novels!_

Artemis saw that Butler had marked the page where he had stopped. Page 682. Butler only had a couple of pages more to go before the end.

He shook his head and steadied himself. The minute they got off this God Forsaken Island, Artemis is going to take Butler straight to a bookstore and get him a proper book.

* * *

Artemis licked the blister on his hand gloomily. His fingers ached from gripping the knife so hard.

Tiredly, he sat back, no longer caring for the state of his clothes, and scrutinised his work.

After setting Butler's broken arm and dressing it with a splint and some bandages from the First Aid kit, (thankfully, at that time, Butler was blissfully unconscious), Artemis set immediately to work to make this campsite homey.

First on the list was making a comfortable bed.

Deciding that that he should make one for Butler first, who looked as if he certainly needed it, Artemis foraged for six sturdy sticks.

He drove two pairs deep into the ground using a good-sized rock for a hammer. He left a distance of slightly more than Butler's height between the pairs.

Artemis had disentangled the parachute from the branches, and he cut a bit of line to lash the top of each pair of sticks together to make an A-frame.

Deciding not to question Butler about the needle, thread and the half-done sparrow embroidery, Artemis used the needle and thread to sew a tube from the strong parachute material.

With the two remaining poles, he passed them through the tube and slipped the thing over the A-frames so that they rest at the sides. _4 _

Artemis paused, his stomach calling for attention again. He stood and brushed the bottom of his pants absently.

He went back to his pond and drank a little. Using an old, discarded coconut shell, he washed the insides thoroughly and used it as a bowl. He brought the water back to his manservant and help him sit up.

'Butler…' he pressed the bowl to Butler's cracked lips.

His manservant's eyelids fluttered and opened blearily. He sipped the water.

'Butler, you must help me. Obviously, I cannot move your bulk unaided. See? I have made you a bed (of some sort). You must rest here on it.'

Together, feet shuffling (and after Butler almost squashed his employer when he lost his footing) Butler was deposited safely onto the makeshift bed, which creaked ominously.

'Stay here,' commanded Artemis brusquely, 'I'm off to fine something edible on this God Forsaken Island.'

* * *

A little over an hour later, Artemis returned, his arms laden with tropical fruits.

The sticky tree sap caused rashes on his delicate skin, but Artemis was beyond caring. His white chest was covered with insect bites and tiny scratches.

'Look here, my friend, I believe this is a mango!' Artemis flashed a brilliant smile. 'And these oblongish- yellow fruits are papayas!'

* * *

Lunch, tea and dinner – mangoes, papayas and bananas.

Artemis drank from the water from the coconut bowls he had collected and hung in the branches.

He settled into his own bed.

'Butler?'

'Yes, Artemis?'

The boy paused, thinking in the dark. He sighed.

'Good night, Butler.'

'Good night.'

Artemis fell asleep almost immediately, his body tired out from its exhausting day. He slept better, knowing that Butler was near and had comforting dreams of his parents back in Ireland.

* * *

To be continued…

**1.** This is an actual way to test if your food is edible. Again, I got this tip from my _Castaway Survivor Guide. _This is a professional Secret Service edibility test. Please remember though, in everyday life, do not eat vegetation that you find in the yard or in the countryside.

**2.** This scene, complete with a body entangled in a harness and parachute, is from _The Lord of the Flies, _where Simon finds the body of a dead pilot infested with flies. Since this fic is inspired by this classic, I have incorporated that scene in. I may even find other instances where I have other opportunities to slot other memorable scenes in.

**3.** You might wonder why Butler is reading romance novels… you might even say that this is extremely out of character for this man-mountain. But really, it's all canon.

I shall quote directly from _The Artemis Fowl Files._

The Artemis Fowl Files  
_Interview with Butler  
_**What is your favourite book?  
**I don't have much time to read. Artemis's schemes keep me on my toes. Mostly I read helicopter manuals and keep an eye on weather reports and current affairs. If I do have a moment to myself, I do enjoy a good romance story. If you tell a soul, I will hunt you down.

**4.** You might have trouble imagining this A-frame bed. (No matter how I tried to describe it, I was still unsure if you guys could actually see it.) To help you visualise this thing, I've drawn a picture of it, using Paint (yes, it's quite sad looking, but at least you can get the idea of it) and have posted it up on the internet. For the internet address, please go to my biopage.

Thank you very much for reading thus far and I hope that you have enjoyed this chapter as much as I have enjoyed writing it. If you have any feedback, comments or constructive criticism, please do not hesitate to give me a review and tell me all about it.

* * *

  
Reply to reviewers:

IhateBeetroot – not Arty, he is determined to make the best of his situation! Frankly, although I doubt his physical abilities, I think he is capable of taking care of himself. We'll wish him luck anyway!

PeanutButteroreoCookieGirl – (what a mouthful, your penname!) Yes, incredibly, I managed to think of a plot that involved young master Artemis on a tropical paradise, And through some devious means, made him take of his shirt! To tell you the truth, I never thought much about him walking around topless until you mentioned it… what's wrong with me!

potentialcriminal – yes, I do like the "bush regurgitating the pig" line too! Thank you for your compliment. I had Artemis act the way he did at the top of the mountain to show reviewers that even though he's a cruel, heartless, money-minded, genius, underneath his expensive tailoring and labels, he is just a little kid.

ophiuchus – (for some reason, I can never spell your penname right and I always have to double check it!) Yes, I _just _noticed that dear Artemis is **bloody **b**are-chested. **You sure you wouldn't mind being stranded on the island? It can be pretty bad – no malls, air conditioning, no toilets, food, no entertainment (except for watching Artemis, of course!)… man, I feel depressed just _thinking _about what the island doesn't have!

artemisfan101 – thank you for your kind review. You volunteer to be marooned? It's a little scary, being marooned, I think!

fairy12123 – thank you for reviewing! Personally, if I was stuck on an island, I'd have nightmares about great big wild _things _coming out of the jungle to eat me. Not to mention the horror of bugs and creepy crawlies around… which reminds me… Artemis hasn't seen any weird bugs, has he-grins-


End file.
